Today is my abuser’s birthday.
I have never said it like that, but there it is. Today (with 2 minutes left on the clock) is my abuser’s birthday. Every single year, without fail… this day torments me. As the days creep closer, I start to think about him (more than I try to any other day). As the days count down, I start to relive each and every single time he abused me. Ever hit. Every punch. Every name. Every stolen possession. Every single touch.
Today is my abuser’s birthday and for just two minutes more, I will be reminded about him and torn between the desire to celebrate his day and the desire to never ever say his name again.
I talked to three people about him today. After all, its his birthday. Some years are harder than others, because I actually get a call from my loving mother reminding me about his birthday.
I know what day it is today.
How can I forget?
Today is my abusers birthday.
This year, I only said his name once, but it was enough. I mean, it’s his birthday… he deserves to be celebrated. He deserves candles and cake and all the singing one can enjoy for one day. He truly deserves it all.
That’s the tricky part, you see.
I love him.
I care about him.
It would be crazy for me not to.
Part of me doesn’t think he knew what he was doing. Part of me isn’t even sure any more. Part of me wonders if he even remembers it.
Okay… one minute left.
Today is my abuser’s birthday. Today is the day I relive every single moment. I replay all the birthdays, all the fun and most of all… all the abuse.
After today, I won’t think about him every time I look at the calendar. After today, I don’t have to feel guilty about missing yet another birthday.
Almost there. Just a few more seconds…
Today is my abuser’s birthday.
A day to celebrate his life. A day to remember all the things he has done during his time here. A day to remember it all.
After all, today is my brother’s birthday.
While those words might have been the hardest thing for me to write, I had to do it. You see this month, April, is a month where the world actually makes it “okay” to talk about my abuser. Well, sort of.
While these words were written with tears in my eyes, I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew my story wasn’t and isn’t unique. I knew, as I wrote each word, that someone (maybe you) might read this and feel a pit in their stomach because it rings true for them.
April is Child Abuse Prevention Month and I am taking a stand. I am joining over 50 bloggers this month to share stories, tips, advice, and support. The hope is that with each word, each letter typed… a child is saved before it starts.
Child abuse is not a quiet thing that should be kept hidden. Child abuse is real. It is happening every single day and sometimes under your very own roof.
I can’t promise I will write every day in April, nor can I promise I will tell my whole story (as I am sure you understand why). However, I can promise that you will not be alone. During the entire month of April, you can follow along and hopefully with each letter typed find strength to tell your story or #enditbeforeitstarts.