Inside: The number one thing our Moms love about Calm the Chaos is the community, the sense of finding your tribe. But you know who else needs that sense of belonging? Dads. They also need to know we’re not alone in this wild parenting journey. In this solo episode, Jason is going to tackle an interesting topic: how dads can figure out their role in modern parenting.
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Hey guys, Jason here!
This week we are doing something a little different because my partner in crime, Dayna, is following another dream of hers (Opening a school in Kenya.)
So I’m not going to dive into the fascinating world of sensory processing cause I’m not exactly the expert on the topic… I mean, Dayna has written an entire book on the subject.
Instead, we’re going to tackle a topic that’s close to my heart: how us dads can figure out our role in modern parenting.
Because parenting has shifted dramatically in the last few decades. Dad’s are expected to do more than bring home the bacon.
Now, we want to be more involved but we’ve no good examples or role models in this style of parenting from our own childhood we are not really sure what our role is.
I believe there are three important layers we need to explore
- The need to go it alone
- The need to have answers and fix
- The need to get it right
By digging into these basic dad tendencies, we’ll see how community can bring a profound impact on our lives as dads.
So, if you’ve ever felt a little lost and unsure of if we are doing this dad thing right, this episode is for you.
Join me as I share my thoughts, experiences, and a few laughs along the way as we can uncover the secrets to being the best dads we can be.
Let’s dive in!
Dads, You Are Not Alone
We all know that parenting can feel like an episode of Survivor. Feeling like you might get voted off the island because you’re failing as a mom and that our kid was broken. That feeling of being alone in a world full of people resonates with a lot of moms out there.
But you know who else needs that sense of belonging? Us dads. We also need to know we’re not alone in this wild and frightening journey.
Times are changing. We’re moving away from the top-down, “do-what-I-say” approach.
We are moving towards a more understanding, community-based approach where involvement, open conversations, and support networks are essential.
But that leaves many of us wondering if we are doing it “right”. Because let’s be honest, a lot of us do not have good examples or role models in this new style of parenting.
As a coach, I’ve had the pleasure of working with incredible men, realizing the importance of support and understanding in their lives. Of having someone who has been there before them and come out the other side.
For too long, both married and solo dads have felt they need to go it alone, come up with the answers, and fix the problems. Leaving them feeling isolated and helpless if their solutions just aren’t working.
But here’s the thing, you are not alone.
Everywhere you look there are other dads, moms, grandparents, co-workers, – heck even the milkman – who are walking the same parenting journey as you.
You don’t have to work this out alone. Involve your whole network – your kids, spouse, extended family, co-workers, neighbors.
What we need is a return to the community approach that was the norm before the industrial revolution. Community gives you what everyone needs: a sense of belonging, togetherness, support, and acceptance.
So, let’s rewrite the narrative that parenting is done alone. We are stronger when we stand united.
It’s Okay to Ask For Help
OK, let’s get real here. How many of you will ask for directions when you’re lost?
You see, no matter what you may have been told…
It is not a sign of weakness or failure to ask for help.
It’s okay to admit that we need support in understanding ourselves and our children better.
In fact, think of the last time someone asked you for help. Did you feel like they were a burden or useless because they couldn’t do it themselves?
No, right? You likely felt honored that they felt like they could come to you, grateful that you could be there for them, proud that they see you as knowledgeable and capable.
Asking for help not only relieves you of the burden but it makes them feel good about themselves too.
It is the mutual giving and receiving of help that creates a community. They go hand in hand, forming a powerful relationship with ourselves, our kids, and our partners.
When we give ourselves permission to seek guidance, we create a nurturing environment for everyone involved.
When you say, “I need help”, that’s where the magic starts to happen! It is not a sign of weakness but a testament to our humanity.
You Don’t Have to Get Everything Right
As men, you’ve been told your role is to be the doer and the fixer. So when there is a problem, you go into fix it mode alone.
You try your best to solve problems and so you probably feel that getting things wrong is “not solving the problem”. Getting it wrong is failure.
But here are two truths you need to hear:
- Not everyone needs us to fix everything all the time. Sometimes, they just need us to listen. And this isn’t just a feeling experienced by women; it’s universal. We all yearn for someone to lend an ear without judgment or solutions.
- It’s okay to get things wrong
When society tells us our role is to fix, emotions are seen as a hindrance to that. You’ve likely squashed them down or ignored them.
So how do we shift this narrative and allow men to embrace a healthier approach to emotions?
First, we need to give ourselves permission to feel and express our emotions fully so we can fully process them. Only when we allow for our own vulnerability can we devise ways that help us and, ultimately our children regulate our emotions.
Secondly, we need to understand that it is okay to get things wrong. In fact, there is a common saying in business: “You either get the result you want or the lesson you need.” This is true for parenting as well.
You don’t need to be perfect, and neither does your kid. It’s what you learn from getting it wrong that matters.
Let’s change the game and make it about embracing imperfections, supporting each other, and growing together. It’s time to redefine what it means to be a dad, and it all starts with acknowledging that we don’t need to be perfect, but we can be present and understanding.
(These are the things I learned while I was trying to figure out how to connect with our oldest son. And you can hear my whole story if you tune in for the full episode on YouTube.)
A Challenge for All Dads
Are you up for a challenge? Because this is a big one.
I want to challenge you to shift the way you think about yourself, your kids, your relationships, and your life.
I want you to ask yourself:
What would it look like if you were to forgive yourself for not having all the answers?
What would it look like if you started asking for help?
What would it look like if you started to open up and communicate with everyone in your network and said “Guys, parenting is hard. My kid isn’t easy. I need help.”?
If you really want to shift away from old way parenting, the key is to build a community around you.
Being connected in this human experience, and working together and communicating honestly about the challenges of parenthood creates a sense of belonging for you and your children.
Asking for help, you not only ease your burden, but you also bring joy and a sense of purpose to those who assist you.
Seeing we are not alone, that others struggle too helps us to embrace our imperfections and forgive ourselves for not having all the answers.
So, let’s build a team, a foundation and support each other in this beautiful and challenging journey of fatherhood.
If you resonate with these thoughts, I’d love to hear from you. Share your parenting story with us on social media, and let’s connect on this incredible dad journey.
See you next time,
Jason
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Calm the Chaos Parenting is a podcast offering parents practical tools and strategies to navigate the challenges of raising strong-willed, highly sensitive, and neurodivergent children.
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