I am going to be completely honest with you and share something a tad raw and extremely personal. If you are a regular here, you know about my problem with yelling and our family’s goal to have a more peaceful family. What you might not know is how things have actually been going. Some of my actions and emotions have led me to ask myself recently “Am I depressed or is it just a bad case of mommy blues?” Whatever the case is, I wanted to share it here with you today, because I need something to change.
Is This Depression or Mom Funk?
I know, I know. That is a scary word and one that gets tip-toed around. That is the reason I am writing this post. I want to be real. I need to be real. So let me explain…
As many of you know, this has been a roller coaster year for our family… we had a new baby, our oldest son was finally diagnosed with SPD and Anxiety, we were forced to homeschool our children, and I have been dealing with court battles with Mr. X. Its been a ride to say the least.
To say that some days I feel overwhelmed is an understatement.
Up until now, I have passed off my mood changes as a side effect of all of the items mentioned above. I have made excuses for my mood swings, my yelling, and my frustrations. About the time I started feeling the mommy blues, my dear friend, Amanda at Dirt and Boogers declared that she was in a Mom Funk, too, and she was going to do something about it.
I read the post, joined her no yelling challenge, nodded in agreement and kept waiting for my mood to change. I have to say, starting the Peaceful Home challenge with my family has been groundbreaking. We do have a much more peaceful home. There are less meltdowns, there is less yelling (from everyone), and we are having much more fun together.
So why do I still feel this way?
3 Signs I Might Be Depressed
This morning I hit a breaking point. The kids were in good moods, learning was happening, I had my morning coffee. Life was good. However, for some reason… I was not okay. Every little thing was upsetting me. I was even getting frustrated at the baby as she explored and put EVERYTHING in her mouth.
I lost it. I yelled. Again.
The truth is, the last three days have been this way for me. Everything annoys me. Sounds crawl up my skin. I am not happy. In fact, I am hearing people ask more and more “Are you okay?”
No. No, I am not okay.
1. I can’t make decisions.
At first, I told myself and Papa Bear that the lack of decision making was due to all the decisions I make on a daily basis. Planning homeschool, collaborating and running projects for the blog, meal planning, scheduling things… it was all my brain could handle. While I do think there is some truth to this, I also know it is not okay to never have an answer.
I noticed it in the last two weeks getting bad. Just the other night after being unable to make a decision about dinner, again, Papa Bear asked what I had for lunch. I hadn’t eaten lunch because nothing sounded good. Now, don’t worry too much, I am eating, but I am not being healthy.
This is a problem.
2.I am easily irritated.
I mentioned before how easily I am getting irritated. In the past, I have been blaming it on my son’s sensory needs, or Super B not sleeping through the night, or dealings with Mr. X. The truth is, its me.
Yesterday, I even called Papa Bear in the afternoon and declared that I was walking out of the house when he got home. When he got home he suggested that I go pick up the dinner and get a drink while I was there. He doesn’t drink, so for him to suggest this, you know something isn’t right.
Just the normal every day chores seem to overwhelm me. I can’t seem to think of how to get it all done without getting upset by them. Not to mention if something doesn’t go as planned. Right now, I am completely unable to handle anything not going smoothly, which you know isn’t realistic and isn’t a healthy place to be.
3. I have trouble laughing, smiling, and being present.
Last night it hit me! I needed to find a picture of myself for a project. I spent 3 hours looking through folders and albums and could not find a single suitable picture. In each and every picture, I was happy. Truly happy. It was in that moment that I realized exactly how unhappy I have been.
It wasn’t until I compared my now to my then, that I could feel the heaviness in my face. I have felt it in my eyes for some time, but I have ignored it. I’m not saying I haven’t laughed, or haven’t smiled. My family is wonderful and they brighten every day of my life. But its deeper than that. Its what I feel when the moment passes.
I want to be this happy again. I want to look in the mirror each day and see someone that has a smile on her face. I want my children to see this mom when they look at me. I want to be the wife I set out to be.
I want to be happy and healthy.
I Am Depressed
Its a scary thing to admit. Those three little words are so strong, so scary, and so taboo. I have noticed lately that no one is scared to admit that they are in a funk, have the mommy blues, or are just plain angry. However, saying that you are depressed has a connotation that something is wrong with you. It makes you feel like its your fault and you shouldn’t have let yourself get that way.
Did you know, that everyone will go through depression at least once in their life? It can be caused by hormone changes, life events, changes in diet, and a myriad of other reasons. Depression is defined as being a mood disorder that effects the way you think, feel and behave causing you to have difficulty completing daily functions.
I wanted to say I was having a case of the mommy blues. I wanted to think I was going to snap out of it. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Instead of getting better, it was getting worse each day. And that, by definition, is depression.
So, Now What?
Admitting that I am depressed is the first step. I needed to realize this wasn’t just a case of the funks. It isn’t something I am just going to snap out of. Its something I need help with.
That is why I am telling you.
It is why I am putting it out into the blogisphere. My hope is that maybe you needed to hear this too; maybe, you have been there; or maybe, just maybe you know how to help.
I plan to keep you updated on my progress, the steps I am taking to get healthy and be here to support you in your mom funk or depression any way I can.
Together we can be happy!
In fact, since the first time I wrote this, I have been trying a few strategies to be a happier mom, and essential oils is just one of them. I have found that diffusing Joy in the mornings, helps pick me up and get moving. (It is no cure for depression, but it sure can lift my mood).
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Have you ever felt the mom funk or worried you might be depressed? What have you done to pull yourself out of it? You can follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest, Instagram or subscribe by email. I can’t wait to connect with you.
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Please note: If you are still struggling with the difference between depression and the mommy blues. It is serious and something that we should not take lightly. If you feel like your funk or slump is more than just the blues, I strongly urge you to take it seriously and find the support you need. Feel free to write to me, leave a comment, or message me on Facebook. If you feel your need is immediate, I urge you to call the Crisis Help Line 800-233-4357. No problem is too small.