I’m a Yeller… Help!

I have a confession to make. One that scares me. One that once I make it, it leaves me vulnerable.

It exposes something about me that I’d rather not let you know. The truth is, I need you know.

So here goes… I ‘m a yeller.

There, I said it. I yell.

I yell at my children. I yell at my husband. I have even been known to yell at co-workers. Yep, I’m a yeller!

Help I need to stop yelling.

Phew, that felt good.

Admitting I’m a yeller was the first step in making changes.

You see I don’t always yell. I am not an angry person. I actually think I am rather pleasant.

But, boy, I can get angry. When I do, you do not want to be anywhere near.

I get red-faced. I might even have steam come from my ears. I’ve never looked.

Whatever the case may be, I get angry. It’s almost like I step outside of my body and watch from the outside.

The calm, gentle and patient me watches on and begs the angry me to stop.

The me that was trained with classroom management strategies shakes her head at the angry me and tells her that she should know better.

The me that promised herself she’d never yell at her kids, tries to stand in the way.

Most of all, the me that has a big heart cries and wants to take it all back when its all over.

So, why am I telling you all this?

I’m a Yeller and Something Has to Change

The other day, my good friend, Amanda from Dirt and Boogers, came to me with this challenge she was accepting where she wasn’t going to yell for a whole year. She wanted support.

She reached out to me, asked me to read her post, and wanted to know if I would join her support group.

I was all in.

There was just one problem.

She told me on Tuesday and by the end of the day I had already yelled at the kids.

Then on Wednesday, I did it again. I yelled some more.

And I am sure you can guess what I did on Thursday. Yep. I yelled.

The challenge hadn’t even officially started and I was already 0 for 3. Not good at all.

How was I going to do this? How was I going to make it a full year without yelling?

I’m a Yeller and I Make Excuses

For that first “unofficial” week, I made so many excuses.

In fact, I have always made excuses.

Mainly, because I don’t like to admit that I am a yeller. Mostly, because I am 90% patient.

But fully, because I wanted to tell myself it was okay to yell.

I realized in those three days, I kept saying things like…

Well, I yelled. But it’s because..

I couldn’t help yelling. The kids….

I had to yell. They wouldn’t…

But, …. did ….

You see. Excuses!

I have decided to change my outlook.

I have made the choice to acknowledge my challenges. They are there. They will be hard and they will entice me to yell.

But I can’t let them be excuses anymore.

I’m a Yeller and I Have Challenges

1. I am raising an explosive child with Sensory Processing Disorder.

2. My children are not always with me, and their father is not known for being a calming person. Therefore, a reset button happens twice a week with any progress we have made.

3. I was not raised in a yell-free home.

I’m a Yeller and I Need Help

We’ve all heard the same advice… If someone tells me to “take a deep breath” one more time, they might get yelled at even more than my kids…

That’s why I was SO excited when my friend Amanda decided to offer this free video series From Angry Mom to Calm Home.

This isn’t the same old advice we’ve all heard that doesn’t work, and it’s not just another parenting expert that will make you feel even more guilty for yelling…

Trust me. Amanda is the real deal. She’s a mental health therapist and an admitted reformed yeller. She totally understands what it’s like to be a mom in the trenches, and her tips are gold.

You can sign up here for the free email series.

Tired of being an angry mom and yelling? Check out this FREE video series to go from Angry Mom to Calm Home!

More Adventures in Imperfect Parenting

Simple Stop Yelling Tip 3 Tips to Stop Yelling Today Family Meetings Building a Peaceful Home One Day at a Time

 

photo credit: Send me adrift. via photopin cc

57 thoughts on “I’m a Yeller… Help!”

  1. Dayna, such an honest post. You are a hero (and other mothers who speak out and take this challenge to stop yelling). I am 100% sure this challenge will make a lot of families yell free. Like you said, you don’t need to take the challenge for a year, it only takes few days to be free of yelling to realize how much better it feels and how it affects the whole family. Thank you again for this post. It means a lot to me and I am sure to many mothers. Cheers to No More Yelling.

    1. Thank you! You are a hero too. I am scared to death to take this challenge because on a daily basis we deal with some very real and very serious things in this home. The explosions from our oldest are hard to handle, but when I mentioned this to the family, everyone jumped on board. We are actually going to do this challenge as a family.

  2. This was hilarious, funny, and real. I love your honesty and am rooting for you to yell less. I can’t wait to read more! FYI I tried to add you to my google+ but your page immediately disappears. I don’t know if it a setting or what.

    1. Thank you. It was difficult and easy to write at the same time. It is definitely real. I will check into the g+ thing. Thank you! Are you joining the group?

  3. Rita Jacuzzi Huber

    Yep, I’m a yeller. My Grandmother’s yelled. My Aunt yelled. My cousins yelled. My mother yelled. My husband yells. My 1st Excuse I’m Italian and that’s what we do. Or My Mother and her Mother yelled at each other. My mother always yelled at me , my brothers and my dad. It is just normal. I guess I thought it is just a form of showing you cared. Most of my friends were yelling and most their parents were yelling at them. A Learned Response. I hate myself when I yell. I don’t like it when others yell at me. As I get older I realize, I don’t have to yell. But, stopping is just not as Easy as you would. But I am trying to yell less. So I will join your group, if it is okay that your mother joins.

    These statements are Not against any person or nationality or family. It is my opinion and my excuse. I own it!

    1. I would be honored if you would join in. Just click on the picture in the post and it will take you to the group. It is a great group with lots of support.

  4. Oh man, Dayna, I loved this post. So honest and so real. I think many, many parents feel the same way you do…actually based on the success of the group…I KNOW they do! Thank you so much for mentioning the group, and for joining! Looking forward to following along in your journey 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. Honestly, thank you for challenging me to join in with you. I would have never in a million years thought to challenge myself to something like this.

  5. Oh, I’ve just had a conversation with my hubby today, cause I’m a yeller too…so thank you for this post! It’s so much easier when I know it’s not just me 🙂 And I need….want to change it 🙂

    1. I love hearing that you are willing to join this challenge. The group is growing and it is great support! Amanda is a great leader!

  6. Jessica

    I don’t think my family was ever a yelling family per say, but if it was a serious offense yelling meant business! I’m a mild yeller and I hate it! Is inky yell when I have to repeat myself more than 3 times. And I don’t yell in public so I’m not sure why I do at home. Prob. Because I get stressed or don’t get enough sleep, but those are just excuses and I need to be better about yelling at my kids even when I am stressed or tired! I’ve noticed it’s rubbing off onto my almost 4 year old and that’s not cool! We watched a episode of Dainel Tigers Neighborhood and Dainel was mad because it was raining and they couldn’t go to the beach and he got so mad he wanted to “roar” and his mom said to Take a deep breath and count to 4! Then later the mom wants to roar because the “kids” are brining sand into the house but she takes a deep breath& counts to 4 and feels much better. My daughter& I are trying to do that instead of yelling (or pulling her sisters hair). Take a deep breath, count to 4 and then calmly talk about it. I’m joining the group for sure! I need all the help I can get!

    1. I love it! So happy to have you join! And so happy to have you tell your story! I can’t wait to take this journey with you!

  7. I love how honest you are to something that most people don’t want to admit out loud. Thanks for sharing!!

    1. Thank you! It was hard. And still is hard knowing that it is out there for so many to see. Today was a good day. The hardest part is that we have decided to take this as a family. It is not easy but we are trying.

  8. I struggle with yelling, but more so just aggressive talking. I hate looking at my kids and feeling like I make them feel small. It breaks my heart.

    1. Martina

      I completely understand , and it is like you are all talking about me. I truly try hard not to yell and have go through periods where I yell a lot less, but when I do -it is bad, then I hate myself for doing so. I do not name call but just the sheer volume or ugly tone, is enough. I have gone to therapist, but has not been very successful. I will do my best keep the challenge. Thanks!

      1. Lemon Lime Adventures

        Wonderful! Thank you for sharing your story!

  9. I love this honest and raw post. Let me be in clear minority and say that yelling is better than silent treatment and withdrawing love. Both me and my husband raise our voices infrequently, but then usually our daughter knows that she is in real trouble and does her best effort to get back on track. As the previous commenter, I am guilty of “pushy talk” more than of yelling, but I still struggle to define what a true authoritative parenting is for me, where it ends and permissiveness or an authoritarian rule begin.

    1. I completely agree that yelling is better than no shown emotions. I also strongly believe in setting limits. My goal is to not change my authority in my household but to have more of a peaceful home. Thank you for your continued support along this journey.

      1. Nonni Rita

        It seems one of my triggers is when someone tells me they are going to do something. And days and sometime weeks or never gets done. As the time goes by, I feel I am just not as important as whatever they are doing. I am trying to not keep ask did you do whatever, and immediately I get yelled at and I say anything it escelates. I feel I must defend myself and then , I Yell! And again now I am disgusted
        in myself. failure!
        How do I ask so I am not convicting or sound as a teacher or well, God!

        I am fairly disabled and totally dependant on husband and family for everything. And yes, I am stuck pretty much in bed. I feel depressed and as a burden to all. On top of it, we now know my Spinal Cord and Veins that supply blood to many parts of my upper body, and most portantmy brain. Some things I suffer from is incontinence,dementia, no feelings in fingers, arms, and my coordination and eguilibrim. After surgery I should/ hope to get back 80-90% range of Marion, feeling, memory and speech back to normal.
        My worry/concern is staying in control and not yell at those taking care of me, especially the first 2 weeks. I have to sleep upright not moving my arms or neck so the fusions of the C4-T1 grafts and Medal screws will fuse together. So how I going to remain Yell Free, while suffering the painful recovery.
        Any ideas?

  10. Dayna, I love this post! It is so real and full of resolution. Thanks so much for sharing! Yelling isn’t my thing, but I certainly have other habits and responses that I could work on…time to “seize the day!” 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. We are working so hard to change the mood of our household. We have been successful this week and ti feels great. I am so happy I was challenged to do this.

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    1. This challenge stems from the orange rhino challenge.I look forward to checking out your post. Our whole family has decided to take this challenge and I hope you will follow along.

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  13. oh, girl!! I so can feel your frustration with yourself!! I find myself yelling a lot as well…It’s so hard when things don’t go our way right away! Or when the kids don’t listen, or when coworkers act like they don’t care… Thanks for being so open about it!

  14. I am not a yeller. Yelling makes me very uncomfortable, I wasn’t raised that way but I understand why people yell. It’s just not my thing. Communication is easy for me so I have no problem saying what I feel very calmly, even when I’m mad. But I work at it. I hope you get the results you want.

    1. Thank you! I am happy that it is not a struggle for you. I find that people are or are not yellers. I am getting much better and I find out that when I take care of myself I am much happier!

  15. Becky B

    I’m a yeller too. It’s a work in progress all the time! Hugs to you!

  16. Thanks for opening up. Truth is….so am I. My daughter is 3 and I keep telling myself I need to fix this ASAP before I scar her for life. With my postpartum depression turned clinical depression, I don’t think it has helped matters. Inspiration to try to stop and knowing others go through the same things helps! 🙂 Thanks! Ps. I found you through SITS! Hope you will come visit me at http://www.mommysgotitall.com

  17. I yell too. Not a lot, but it’s like my go-to release when I’m angry or frustrated. And I always feel absolutely terrible about it. I definitely don’t want to raise a family of yellers, so I know it’s something I need to work on!

    1. Yes, I have to tell you, having a group to turn to and friends that understand has been so helpful! So glad to know you are following along.

  18. Hooray for you! I applaud your courage for speaking aloud what goes on behind so many doors. Having kids makes that goal hard, I have certainly failed countless times. Keep pressing on, it’ll be a worthwhile adventure

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  20. Michelle

    I am now a recovering yeller. I just recently decided to make the change. I always feel so guilty when I blow up and yell at my kids. My strategy was to turn to my faith and pray for patience, and so far that is working very well for me. I too have an explosive child with SPD and also a very timid one who are less than a year apart. It makes for a chaotic household, but I’ve noticed the more frustrated and angry I am, the more frustrated and angry they tend to be. The first day I stopped yelling they were still some very easily frustrated and angered kiddos, but by day two I could see some small improvements in their behavior. Our house is still chaotic, but everyday they are a little bit calmer. I should have given up yelling a long time ago the difference is amazing.

    1. Thank you so much for your great ideas! I have been working so much on the No Yelling. I have enjoyed ou.r Parent meetings

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  23. Jo

    I’m a yeller. I try so hard to stop, I can go days without yelling. But then I do it yet again. It has turned my 4 year old in a yeller and I desperately want her to stop along with me. But she is soooooo difficult. My other 2 children are actually in on it too, but not as bad as my middle child. I’m sure it will be a long process, but does anyone have suggestions on how to get my young children (2,4,6) to stop yelling? Consequences? Thanks!!

  24. Wow, I love your post. How is the challenge going? Here another yeller, who works very hard not to yell and be the momma she wants to be. I so get it when it feels like someone else is taking over. Luckily, everyday there is the choice to stop yelling and if you unfortunately fail, there is always tomorrow.

    1. Lemon Lime Adventures

      The challenge has had ups and downs. I do need to write an update. I will try to do that very soon. We made some changes in our family that have helped a ton, but we are still a work in progress.

  25. I also have a yelling problem. I know the kids behave worse when I yell, and better when I am calm then they are calm – but still I find when they don’t give me 5 mins peace in the day then I just get so impatient with the mistakes they make. Saying that though, my 4 year old has been drawing on the walls so much for the past few days. Every time I turn my back for a minute somehow he has found pens and drawn somewhere again! I did not yell at him but when I explain to him nicely I feel like the message is not getting through to him at all and he is not taking it for a serious thing. I don’t know if this is a sensory thing for him that he likes the feeling of the pen on the wall or what?! he does have asd and is sensory seeking. Before this, his thing was throwing water on the house and now he seems to have moved on to drawing! We do give him other ways to explore this interests in more appropriate ways but still, he seems to need to spread his water, or pen or whatever all over the house! It can be really challenging! It’s admirable that you can admit this stuff and post it openly here in a blog post and hold yourself accountable!
    Anyway, I should probably join the group!

  26. Shawna

    I am a yeller. Never thought much about it but my sister told me that I have a mental disorder. HA! since she is a soft spoken person like my Dad that was a wife/child beater. I take the yelling after my Mom who never hit us, just yelled and liked to throw her shoes at us. Yes, my Dad on the other hand was like “A Secret Storm” that was constantly brewing and you never knew when he would come home and beat the crap out of everyone, but he never raised his voice and was always shushing us but…also gritting his teeth. My Grandfather was a yeller (Mom’s side) but he was like a big old teddy bear, never raised a hand to us. So, while I will admit that yelling may be bad…it does however release pressure, and like the Mom who’s not getting through to her son, well, that is how I always feel, but once I raise my voice I get a reaction. Good or bad there are reports that say these kinds of folk are healthier. Go figure…

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  29. I can completely relate to this article. It’s tough to break old habits especially if you come from a family of yellers, but also with today’s pressures of being a super parent, employee, spouse, etc. while managing the needs of children who are easy to love but hard to raise. Thanks for writing what everyone else is feeling but too afraid to admit.

    1. Lemon Lime Adventures

      Thank you for taking the time to write and thank you so much for reading!

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