Inside: The pressure to connect with your kids the way “experts” suggest, or the picturesque way we see on social media, can feel totally out of reach – especially when we’re struggling to get through the average day (let alone the bad ones). That’s why we’re going to apply our Calm the Chaos framework to tackle a common concern that so many parents have: Not having enough time to connect with your child.
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What does it mean to you to be connected with your kid? When you say “connection”, what comes to your mind?
I ask this because I believe that there’s this whole misconception about what connection truly means.
Many people have a super idealized perception of connection time.
But here’s the thing: Connection doesn’t have to be picture-perfect like we see on Pinterest or social media.
We’re bombarded with advice, like spending 15 minutes individually with each of our kids every day, or having uninterrupted quality time without any distractions. And if we don’t do that every single day, we’re made to feel like we’re ruining our relationship with our kids.
This puts great pressure on modern parents, especially single parents, parents with their own neurodivergence, or those who are already dealing with a ton of stress and juggling a million things.
These misconceptions can make it feel absolutely impossible to be doing enough, to be present enough, to get and stay connected with our kids.
That’s why we’re going to apply our Calm the Chaos framework to tackle a common concern that so many of us parents have:
Not having enough time to connect with our kids.
I get it – life is crazy, schedules are packed, you only have so much to give, and there are just never enough hours in the day. So, we’re diving deep into how you can establish meaningful connections with your kids, even in the midst of the difficulties of being stressed, busy, and lacking time in your daily routine.
We’ll create a plan and provide you with practical ideas that you can implement in your everyday life, even if time is scarce and life feels chaotic.
Let’s do it!
Busting the Connection Myths
So, we’re diving into a fear that many of us face: wanting to be more respectful, connected, and gentle with our kids… but feeling like time is slipping through our fingers. I hear you, and it’s a totally valid concern.
But before we break this down into the 4-step Calm the Chaos framework, let’s bust a few myths about the connection.
There’s this current in society, like a flowing river, that we’re constantly trying to float along.
But we really end up feeling like we’re up a creek without a paddle.
On the one hand, we’re bombarded with this idea of an idyllic connection — like scenes from “The Sound of Music.” You know, the mom frolicking with kids in nature, singing those catchy tunes.
Then again, we’re pressured to enroll our kids in every activity imaginable. Soccer, art, drama, dance — you name it! It’s like we’re expected to be the ringmasters of a never-ending circus.
Sure, those are the extremes, but here’s where people really get stuck.
We’re made to believe that we have to tick off all the boxes for the perfect family experience. If we don’t have a solid routine of family dinners every night, weekend outings, kids’ activities, and dedicated family time, then we’re a mess, and it’s all falling apart.
There’s such intense pressure that if one thing gets off track, we go straight to panic and catastrophizing, “Great, we can’t even connect as a family! We never spend any time together!” Sounds familiar?
Here I also want to bust the myth that connection is the ultimate tool for getting our kids to behave.
We often hear the advice that we must connect before correcting or that we should have one-on-one time with our children if we want them to behave appropriately.
However, I’ve found that this approach can often backfire and cause more problems than it solves.
You can’t manipulate your children into compliance by giving them more attention.
You might even be doing it without realizing… but if you find yourself getting frustrated because bedtime is a battle despite the fact that you took the last hour to play a game, snuggle, and read two extra books… well, you’re essentially expecting them to return your “favor” of dedicated connection time with their compliance.
This is way bigger than that!
No amount of forced connection is going to work if we’re not genuinely building trust and creating a safe environment for our children.
Trust me, kids are smart cookies, especially sensitive ones. They can smell inauthenticity from a mile away.
Our World Has Changed
While we’re desperately trying to fit into the myths that society is bombarding us with, we are often forgetting one crucial fact — our world has changed.
We no longer live in a single-income society with one stay-at-home parent.
Most of us have non-traditional families, and many work multiple jobs to make ends meet or live the life we want. And when you add in our kids’ gazillion activities, homework, and the pressure to squeeze in bike rides and ice cream trips, it’s like a whirlwind inside our heads!
We’ve been conditioned to believe that we should do it all as parents. This unreasonable expectation looms over us like a dark cloud.
But let me tell you something: those expectations are out of whack! They don’t define our worth as parents. We’re not failures if we fall short of the “shoulds.” We’re not outdated or less modern. We’re just human beings trying our best!
So, let’s hit the brakes on that guilt train. Our goal at Calm the Chaos is to remove shame and blame and help you realize that you are the exact parent you’re meant to be.
What Connection Really Is
It’s time to redefine what connection means. It’s not about grand gestures or fitting into some cookie-cutter mold. It’s about finding those little, heartfelt moments that show our kids love and support.
Understanding the essence of connection can also be helpful for those who may not really be into play, using their imagination, or even socializing. Not everyone is outgoing or wants to spend every waking moment with others, and that’s okay.
It can be overwhelming to navigate differing needs, and you might find yourself on opposite ends of the spectrum from what your kids enjoy. But guess what? That doesn’t make you any less of a good parent.
To me, connection is about feeling a sense of belonging, acceptance, and affirmation of who I am. It’s about safety and finding a place where you truly belong.
And one thing is for sure – connection isn’t solely determined by the number of activities you do with your kids. It’s about the lasting feeling you have after spending time together.
You know, there’s this beautiful quote by Maya Angelou that perfectly captures it: “At the end of the day, they won’t remember what you did – they will remember how you made them feel.”
That’s what connection is all about. It’s the way you make someone feel when you talk to them. It’s using language that’s gentle, affirming, and respectful. It’s about treating them as equal humans, not talking down to them.
So, let’s embrace this understanding of connection – it’s not about being the perfect playmate or spending every second with our kids. It’s about creating an environment where they feel loved, accepted, and safe.
You-CUE Plan
So, let’s dive into the Calm the Chaos plan to connect with your kids every day. In one of my earlier blog posts, I introduced this 4-step You-CUE framework and the Road Map you may use to tackle different parenting issues.
We’re going to use these 4 steps (You, Connect, Understand, and Empower) here too.
Just to keep it real with you – depending on where you’re at in your parenting journey, some of these suggestions might not be doable just yet. And that’s OK – progress is what matters, even if it’s just one small step at a time.
And it’s always helpful to have a clear idea of the direction you’re headed.
You
In the You piece, I’m going to talk about thought swaps that can help us overcome the challenges of connecting with our kids.
We often find ourselves thinking:
- “I don’t have any time”
- “I don’t like playing”
- “My kids don’t want to connect with me”
But it’s time to swap those thoughts for something more positive.
When it comes to time, we tend to believe there’s never enough of it. But the truth is, we have enough time for what truly matters. It’s about adjusting priorities and looking at our situations from a different perspective.
Find those small time chunks that you do have and make the most out of them by being fully present and committed.
In my book and one of my previous blog posts, I talk about these thought monsters and super swaps. One common thought monster is the Always & Never Beast. It makes us believe that we never have time or that our kids always demand attention.
Swap that monster for Fact Finder Freddy.
Start noticing the moments when you ARE in the same room, same location, or interacting with your kid. It could be during breakfast in the kitchen, driving to school, or tidying up in the living room. Once you identify these moments, focus on shifting your interactions during those small pockets of time.
Another thought swap is the “all or nothing” mindset. When our days are packed with work, meetings, practices, homework, and routines, it can feel like there’s no time left.
But connecting doesn’t require huge time chunks. Let go of the belief that you need hours upon hours to bond with your kids.
Instead, embrace the power of those short, meaningful moments. It’s about seizing the opportunities in our daily routines rather than waiting for the perfect, grand adventure.
(Check out the full episode on YouTube to go deeper on this – sometimes you just need to hear it out loud for things to start clicking!)
Connect
When it comes to connecting with our kids, it’s important to focus on those in-between moments rather than just planned activities. Also, we often overlook the power of our voice, body language, and simple gestures.
For example… instead of walking into your child’s room and immediately pointing out the unfinished chores, try walking in and saying, “Hey, buddy, I just wanted to walk in and say I love you.” Close the door, and then you can come back later and address the chores.
It’s about having genuine interactions that show your love and interest, not just making requests or demands.
This can be really challenging – especially if you’re the parent who feels like it’s all on you… if you don’t remind them, stuff won’t get done. If you don’t nag about the expectation, it won’t get met.
But if someone asked you, “Would you rather your kid feel loved and have a messy room, or have a clean room but not feel loved?”
You’d choose a loved kid. Every time.
So you gotta start putting that first.
Something to keep in mind: use what you got!
Adults sometimes have a tendency to vilify electronics, but electronic communications can help build meaningful relationships with your children. Text your teenagers. Don’t ask a ton of questions or demand – just share something that they may find interesting. Or just tell them you love them. Send ‘em a meme.
Also, when your kid walks into the room, put down your devices and give them your full attention. A simple pivot like that shows them they matter. (It also sets the example for what you’d like them to do.)
If you’re busy, let them know you want to hear what they have to say and set a specific time to talk.
And most importantly, follow through on your promises. Our children are waiting to see if they can trust us, so we must prioritize their need to be heard.
Another way to connect, even with limited time, is to help your kids with their chores. Instead of just telling them to clean up, join them in cleaning their room or putting away laundry. Working together not only gets the job done but also strengthens your bond.
It’s these small moments of connection that make a big difference in our relationships with our kids. So, seize those opportunities and show them that you’re there for them, no matter how busy life gets.
Understand
When it comes to the Understanding piece, it’s essential to communicate with your kids openly and help them navigate their thoughts and actions. We need to avoid assuming that they know everything we’re thinking or the steps involved in certain situations.
Understanding our kids also means recognizing their unique needs for trust, belonging, and safety.
Our oldest son, for example, needs us to simply listen when he talks about the TV shows he watches. It’s a regular way for him to feel heard.
On the other hand, our daughter needs physical presence, like going somewhere together, to strengthen her connection.
Sometimes it can be challenging to truly engage children, especially when their interests don’t align with ours.
Take, for instance, when our son discovered the Jackass movie and couldn’t stop talking about the juvenile and ridiculous stunts they performed.
Although Jason personally didn’t find it appealing, he made a conscious effort to engage with him. He asked questions and genuinely tried to understand his excitement, even though it was challenging to suppress his lack of enthusiasm.
I’m sharing this because I don’t want to paint the wrong picture here – we’re not perfect parents. We have flaws, and there are times when we struggle to find genuine interest.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a strong and connected relationship with our kids. We don’t have to spend every waking moment with them to build that trust and support. It’s about knowing what makes them feel connected and valued.
Even simple gestures like asking them to join us for dinner or involving them in our plans show that we consider them and value their input.
Empowering our kids with choices and alternatives is also important. Letting them decide whether they want to participate in certain activities, helping to plan meals so they have access to food they like, etc. gives them a sense of control and inclusion.
It’s about being present, understanding their needs, and finding ways to connect and support them in their unique ways.
Empower
The Empower piece of the framework involves creating a plan to be intentional about our connection with our children.
This could mean brainstorming ways to make them feel connected, seen, and heard.
For some children, it could be a play-beside plan, where we engage in parallel work while they play independently nearby.
Let me share a story that exemplifies the power of this approach. There were two siblings in our program — an older girl in her early teens and a younger boy. Their mom joined our course, and they would listen to the lessons together during their car rides.
The girl connected with the framework, realizing that it described her own experiences.
As a result, she learned how to connect with her brother, and in just a few months, their relationship transformed. (Before that, they couldn’t even stay in the same room together.)
So instead of focusing on negativity and struggles, this girl started looking for those small moments and cherishing them. She began by helping him clean and organize his room, and after some time, she became a trusted mentor and friend.
Even now, while she’s away at college, they regularly talk on the phone, and she continues to guide him through friendships and school challenges.
Some parents might say, “But my teenager doesn’t want to connect with me. They get triggered when I talk to them.” In those cases, it’s essential to understand that their response is often shaped by past experiences.
We need to shift from nagging to noticing, from criticizing to accepting, and from trying to change them to helping them love themselves.
So stop harping and trying to control… start actively listening and being present, and accept your kiddos for who they are.
Through this change in approach, you’ll not only witness a transformation in your relationship with your child but also see positive shifts in how they interact with their siblings, handle their school duties, and take on more responsibility.
The Key Takeaway
So, to summarize – true connection with your kids is not about the quantity of time spent together but about building trust, communication, and acceptance through those meaningful in-between moments.
By being intentional and focusing on connection, we can empower our children to flourish and nurture strong relationships that transcend time.
I’d like to leave you with an actionable step.
After you finish reading this (or listening to the full episode), take a small but meaningful action to connect with your child.
It could be as simple as sharing a playful gesture, like a high-five or a secret handshake. Or calling them a sweet nickname, or just telling them, “I love you.”, or finding another way to make them feel heard, seen, and valued.
Remember, in those small moments of connection, you’re creating a world of love and warmth for your child.
Stay tuned for our next post, where we’ll explore how to view challenging behavior as a superpower.
… and don’t forget:
You’ve got this!
Dayna
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Calm the Chaos Parenting is a podcast offering parents practical tools and strategies to navigate the challenges of raising strong-willed, highly sensitive, and neurodivergent children.
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