Inside: Jason and I are digging deeper into the question of “What do I do if my spouse isn’t on board?” This time we’ll be sharing the 4-step Calm the Chaos framework to finding common ground and building a successful co-parenting journey.
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If you’re going through struggles with your spouse or partner, whether it’s about the kids’ behavior, money matters, or anything else, ask yourselves:
- Do you both really want to be together and build a family?
- Are you on the same page when it comes to your destination?
If the answer is “Yes,” then this episode is just what you need.
And even if your answer is “No” or “I don’t know,” this episode may help you see things from a different perspective and recognize that your partner:
- isn’t being deliberately hurtful
- wants the best for your kids (and you!)
- can still be the love of your life – even if you’ve both done some changing over the years…
Sometimes, life gets in the way, and we forget about these things… and we need a little help getting back to a receptive mindset.
So we’re digging deeper into the question of “What do I do if my spouse isn’t on board?”
This is part two of our discussion, where we’re working on finding common ground, aligning your approaches, and getting your partner on board with the Calm the Chaos way.
If you missed the first part, go ahead and give it a listen (or check out this blog post). And if you’ve already tuned in, welcome back!
This time we’ll be sharing the 4-step Calm the Chaos framework to finding common ground and building a successful co-parenting relationship. (You can also watch the YouTube version of the second part of this episode.)
The You-CUE Plan for Successful Co-Parenting
Before we get into the 4 steps of the You CUE plan, just a quick reminder that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution here.
I’ll give you some suggestions for each step in the framework, and then you can adjust them to your unique situation.
The best part is – the plan works!
Trust me, we’ve seen it time and time again. It doesn’t matter what kind of challenge you’re facing, whether it’s a partner who’s more interested in building turtle tanks than helping with the kids or a neighbor who’s tossing trash over your fence.
The success formula is still the same – You, Connect, Understand, and Empower.
That’s how you build a beautiful relationship.
So, let’s dive in!
(And if you’d like to dive even deeper into this, you can pre-order your copy of my Calm The Chaos book.)
You
The “You” piece is all about starting with yourself and how you interpret your partner’s behavior and the reasons behind it, especially when you’re feeling frustrated, resentful, or angry towards them.
So, if I had to sum up the whole “You” piece in a sentence and give a tip to partners who are reading this without their spouse on board, it’d be: “Don’t take their behavior personally.”
Let’s take our example with turtles. When Jason was all into researching turtles instead of focusing on how to help our oldest son, oh man, I took it as a direct indication that he didn’t care about me, our kid, or our family – just turtles.
It felt like he’d rather do literally anything other than put the work in for our family.
And what frustrated me even more was when he claimed he knew nothing about parenting, so he didn’t know how to help.
But here he was… clueless about turtles too, but he was learning everything he could about them!
I made it all about me. I couldn’t see past my own feelings and irrational thoughts to imagine what he was actually thinking.
The truth was Jason is a problem solver. He loves finding solutions but prioritizes projects he is highly likely to succeed at.
And we did, in fact, have a turtle problem. One with a fairly simple solution.
The turtle tank we had was too small. Jason knew he could fix that problem – he was fully capable of finding the right size, exploring different options, and determining the best filtration system.
So, rather than feel helpless and disempowered, Jason took it upon himself to help and solve the easily solvable problem (the turtle tank) instead of the big scary one (parenting).
It may sound silly, but this was his perspective at the time… and it was vastly different from mine.
And because our communication was basically nonexistent… it got pretty ugly.
Now that we’ve come a long way and are more connected, I get it.
I can see now that Jason was just following his instinct to tackle things he knows he can handle, and avoiding a situation where failure was a possibility.
He didn’t want “out,” he just wanted to help how he knew he could.
He chose to focus on turtles because it offered a clear, logical path from point A to point B.
Parenting, on the other hand, doesn’t work that way.
(We have a good laugh about it in episode 10 — if you want more on the turtle tank turmoil, tune in!)
Oil and Water
This dynamic is common in many families: one partner is logical, linear, and seeking step-by-step instructions to achieve success, while the other is more emotional, empathetic, and focused on building relationships.
Sometimes, they’re like oil and water — just don’t mix.
So in those explosive moments, try to remember that there’s a whole lot going on beneath the surface, but it’s not the best time to address these issues.
It’s a conversation for a later, more connected moment.
It’s enough that you recognize it’s not about you personally – your partner is on their own journey, and it’s crucial to stay calm and composed.
Later, when the time’s right, have that conversation. Share why certain things bothered you, and listen to your partner’s explanation of why they didn’t find it bothersome.
Stay focused on understanding and accepting differences (rather than changing each other’s mind or trying to convince each other why you were right).
You’re both listening to understand, not to respond.
So in this step, explore what you can do to change your perspective, thoughts, and reactions.
By doing that, you’ll create a healthier co-parenting dynamic that’ll benefit you and your kiddos.
Connect
The Connection part is all about finding ways to connect with your partner on a deeper level beyond just co-parenting.
See, a lot of people think that connection means fancy date nights or having solo quality time together after the kids are asleep. But the truth is, when you’re in a really bad place with your partner, none of those things are going to be possible.
Let’s talk about how we stayed connected in those tough times when things were at their worst for Jason and me – when the days were filled with endless meltdowns.
We went through a phase where we didn’t even celebrate our birthdays because things were so challenging.
Date nights without the kids? Forget about it.
Hang out after tucking the kids in? By the time they were in bed, I was too exhausted to do anything but collapse. Or we were so caught up in bedtime battles, we didn’t even see each other at night.
So connection really had to be found in small gestures, like:
- holding hands on the couch while the kids were playing
- sitting closer together instead of across the room
- putting our phones away and truly being present in the same space
We needed to reconnect as the individuals we fell in love with and married before addressing our roles as parents.
Because when we put on that parent hat, the conversations become all about the kids, surviving storms, daily routines, and meal planning.
But that’s not enough.
We needed to tap into a deeper level of understanding and appreciation for each other’s passions and desires – playing a game together while the kids are occupied, cooking together, or any other small acts of connection that can make a big difference.
50 Likes Exercise
If you’re not connected, you won’t survive even the silly arguments all couples have.
In those moments, it’s easy to question the entire relationship thinking, “What’s the point? We can’t even go to the store without a fight!”
But here’s the swap: instead of focusing on what you can’t do, try shifting your perspective to the things you appreciate about your partner. Remember the reasons you fell in love and decided to build a family together.
There is a cool exercise that can help you with this: list out 50 things you love about your partner. Take your time and really reflect.
It’s interesting – when I ask people to list the things they don’t like, they can go on forever.
But when we shift our focus to the positives, we gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for our partner’s qualities. And if 50 is tough for you, begin with one thing and gradually build from there.
Because what you focus on grows.
(Check out the full episode on YouTube and see how Jason and I applied the plan to cope with our disagreements and improve the connection between us.)
Understand
The Understand piece is super important in connecting with your partner and gaining insight into their perspective. It’s not something you can achieve in the heat of an argument.
We’ve already discussed plans for managing those moments, but this is about going deeper and truly understanding your partner’s goals, background, behavior patterns, upbringing, beliefs, and values. All of these factors play a role in their actions and reactions.
Remember that unique profile we discussed earlier? It’s essential for understanding each family member’s preferences and triggers. Knowing these details will facilitate better connection, problem-solving, and communication with your partner as well.
Even if you can’t communicate with your partner yet, you can still do this work on your own.
And when the time comes for communication, start by asking questions. Take it slow, though. You don’t wanna bombard them with a million questions all at once. Start with one today and another one next week.
For example, if you notice your partner getting frustrated when the kids won’t get off their electronics, ask them why it’s bugging them so much. What are they worried about? What are they afraid of? By using questions like these, you can foster meaningful conversations that deepen understanding.
The better you understand how your partner grew up – their environment, what they absorbed from their childhood, etc. – the more valuable your insights into their fears, worries, triggers, and underlying traumas are.
Now, let’s get real. Talking about childhood memories and family things may not always be easy, as sometimes we bury those memories deep down. But opening up and talking is a journey in itself, and it can help create a safe space for understanding and healing.
Understanding each other’s emotions, fears, and anxieties is what brings empathy into play. It helps you see beyond the surface and navigate the tough moments.
But of course, you can have these conversations only if you and your partner are connected and have a safe and supportive environment.
Empower
The Empower piece is all about finding ways to move forward together as a team and make progress, especially when things are tough.
Let’s face it, there are gunna be moments when you trigger your partner.
It’s happened to us multiple times. Especially when one of us tries to “help” by suggesting the other take a break or walk away.
It can feel like you’re taking away their power or telling them they’re incapable of handling the situation.
Reminder: It’s not about power in the heat of the moment, but sometimes it can feel that way.
I mean, if you’re trying to handle a situation, even if you’re well aware that you’re not doing it perfectly, and someone comes in and says, “I’m taking over… you’re done here.” It’s going to be frustrating (unless you’ve previously made a plan for that scenario).
Back when things were really, really bad for us, we created a tap-out plan.
It took a long time to perfect because there were still reactions like, “No, I’ve got it!” (You know how it goes.)
Safety was a priority at that period, both physical and emotional. There were times when Jason would try to tap me out because he was worried about my well-being or because he knew I couldn’t stay calm for too long. We’d argue about whether I had it under control or not.
That’s why having this plan outside of the moment is crucial.
So, we discussed how we’d recognize that it was time to tap out. We looked at signs in our family and environment, as well as physical signs that the other person might notice.
One of the signs Jason noticed was when I started raising my voice, then I’d get really loud. (Yes, I sometimes did that, although I know that yelling doesn’t help anyone. The heat of the moment is not a rational time.)
Over time, Jason became better at approaching situations with self-leadership and handling the kids’ strong emotions with patience. He gained confidence in his abilities to not only recognize when I needed help, but to handle the conflict himself.
So, if I had been at it for a while or were losing my cool, he would step in and encourage me to take deep breaths and step away for a bit if I could.
The key is finding those moments when we can support each other and provide the space needed to regroup. It’s about empowering each other to recognize when it’s time to tap out and come back with a clearer mind.
Because only together can we navigate the rough patches and keep moving forward as a team.
It’s OK to Disagree
Now that we’ve gone through the 4 steps, there is one more thing to keep in mind.
Being on the same path doesn’t mean you have to travel together in the same way. It’s like one of you taking a plane while the other sticks to the train.
We often stress about reaching the destination in exactly the same manner and presenting a perfectly united front. But true unity comes from knowing where you’re headed and what truly matters to both of you.
You can have your disagreements, take different paths, and still end up in the same place. You don’t have to be clones with matching parenting styles or agree on every single thing. It’s natural, and even expected, to mess up and have your fair share of arguments. Remember, you both have a voice, and blind compliance is never the goal.
Just remember, you’re in this together, one tiny step at a time.
And one more thing…
You’ve got this!
Dayna
– – –
Calm the Chaos Parenting is a podcast offering parents practical tools and strategies to navigate the challenges of raising strong-willed, highly sensitive, and neurodivergent children.
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