Inside: Imagine a world where parenting isn’t like playing an endless game of Whack-a-Mole, where you’re not constantly bouncing from one struggle to the next. Sound too good to be true? Well, I’m here to tell you it’s actually possible. I’m diving into the Ahead of the Moment stage of the Family Road Map and showing how to collaborate with your kids and stop challenging behaviors before they even start.
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Does your life feel like a slough of constant arguments, battles, and debates?
Where nothing is simple – nothing is easy…
EVERYTHING is complicated… from putting shoes on, or trying to plan a fun bike ride, or just shutting down the electronics…
Every little decision feels like wading through molasses, one step forward and two steps back.
It’s like your parenting journey has turned into a full-on uphill battle.
Now… imagine a world where parenting isn’t like playing an endless game of Whack-a-Mole, where you’re not constantly jumping from one struggle to the next, managing and trying to contain your chaos.
Picture yourself as more than just a parent, but a legit partner in life – with your kids.
You might be thinking, Sure, it all sounds good, but it’s hopeless with my kids…
Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s actually possible!
After you’ve learned how to weather the storms, recharge your energy, and respond in the heat of the moment, it’s time to finally start getting AHEAD of the chaos.
It’s time to level up!
Now let’s dive into the next stage of the Family Road Map, focusing on preventing challenging behaviors before they even start.
In this stage, we’re done with constantly extinguishing fires and arguing about every little thing. It’s time to get strategic.
Because here’s the thing: in this stage, we’re not just parenting — we’re guiding and nurturing our kids’ growth.
The real beauty of this stage lies in its ability to empower our children. We’re equipping them with the skills to navigate life, communicate effectively, and advocate for themselves.
It’s a game-changer, really. They learn to understand their own needs and find constructive ways to express them, how to problem solve, be compassionate, and truly listen to others.
The Big D Word – Discipline
Before we jump into our ahead-of-the-moment plans, let’s talk about the big “D” word – discipline.
It’s been the focus of parents, experts, and therapists for ages. But here’s the thing: there is a lot of gray area in the discipline concept.
People often say that “to discipline” means “to teach”… Yeah, sure… but that’s pretty open for individual interpretation, don’t you think? I mean, back in Roman times, teaching involved stoning people.
Not the approach I want to take with my child.🤷
A more current example: it’s still legal in some states to physically punish kids in school. I can’t believe we’re still having to debate whether or not adults should be allowed to “discipline” children by hitting them.
Instead of “discipline”, we should be shifting our focus to guiding our children to be more compassionate both for themselves and towards others. We can do it in a gentle, kind, loving, open, and curious way.
I know the D word is still a controversial topic. (I even caused a ruckus on my Facebook page when I wrote a post about the ineffectiveness of a book recommended by many doctors, teachers, and professionals for kids with “behavior issues”.)
But it’s really time to rethink that approach and create a nurturing environment for our kids.
How to Approach Challenging Behaviors in a Leadership Way
Okay, back to the Family Road Map.
When we view something as a problem, it automatically puts us in opposition to it – like they’re the enemy. And let’s be real, none of us want to see our own kid as an enemy.
Instead, let’s put on our curious hats and figure out where the REAL problem is coming from. How can we approach this situation? How can we best support our kids? How can we best support ourselves?
Instead of disciplining our kids and seeing their behavior as a problem, we should take a problem-solving perspective as a team. That’s what this stage is all about.
In this stage, our aim is to become our child’s guide and mentor. It means approaching situations with curiosity, empathy, and showing them how to manage their emotions.
Our goal is also to guide and involve them in problem-solving. It’s not about those intimidating and accusatory family meetings we had back in the day. Instead, we have relaxed, constructive conversations that focus on each family member’s needs.
The questions you ask can be simple:
- How can we tackle this?
- How are you feeling?
- What are the facts?
- What if we do this?
- What if we try that?
- Is this working for you?
- What concerns do you have?
With all of this, we can ensure that they do not feel alone in finding a solution.
Now, instead of reacting with anger or yelling, we approach situations with leadership.
The goal is to teach our kids how to think, not what to think.
The 4-Step Ahead-Of-The-Moment Plan
Like all our plans in the Calm the Chaos system, the Ahead-of-the-Moment plans are based on the 4-step You-CUE framework.
And this is the main point here: these steps are taken during moments of calm when stress and chaos are at bay.
(If you’re reading this and thinking, “I never have a moment without chaos,” take a step back and catch up on previous podcast episodes. You need to work through the stages you missed before reaching those peaceful moments where you can implement these steps I’m sharing in this post.)
While previous stages of the Road Map were quite simple, this one gets a tad more advanced. I’ll give you a quick rundown in this post – but you’ll find more detail in the podcast episode.
(In episode 7, we dished out examples of tricky situations with electronics and bedtime routines and suggested how to solve them, so don’t miss out on the full episode.)
If you have any questions after reading this post or listening to the podcast, hit me up on Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok and ask away! I also always welcome suggestions for future episodes.
But if you’re interested in diving deep into details about this stage (and others), check out my Calm the Chaos book, available for pre-order right here.
Now, let’s break down those 4 You-CUE steps.
You
The “You” aspect of getting ahead of the moment is about pinpointing the main source of chaos that is causing havoc in your family instead of attempting to solve every single problem.
If you’re constantly trying to tackle every little issue that arises – sibling fights, bedtime battles, morning routines, screen time limits, midnight snacks, and messy floors all at once, it looks like playing a game of Whack-a-Mole.
But here’s another perspective: think of it like dominoes. If you knock down the first domino, the rest will fall into place. So, what’s that one thing that, if you really focus on it, will have a ripple effect throughout the entire family?
From a logical standpoint, it’s likely the one thing that’s causing the most disruptions in your day. Addressing this one core issue will create a waterfall of solutions for other related problems.
Focusing on one struggle doesn’t mean neglecting other family issues. It means putting the majority of your efforts, problem-solving, and collaboration into one central area (at a time).
By getting ahead of that one thing and coming up with a plan that works for everyone, you’ll witness a ripple effect in many other areas. You’ll be surprised to see that it takes care of other things that weren’t even obviously related.
And guess what? The next time you want to tackle something, it’ll be that much easier.
Connect
The connection piece is super important when it comes to getting ahead of the moment.
But it’s not just about hanging out and playing with our kids – it’s about building a real bond and deep trust through connection.
There are two ways we make this connection happen.
First, we’ve got the planned activities that we usually think of when we want to bond with our kids – stuff like movie nights, playing Lego together, going for ice cream, or having a family game night. These are intentional moments where we create opportunities for connection.
But here’s the thing, if we only focus on these planned activities, we neglect a huge opportunity to strengthen our connections.
It’s the little, in-between moments that hold the key. I’m talking about a pat on the back, holding a hand, offering to grab a snack if you’re going to the kitchen, helping with a quick task, spontaneous hugs… you see where I’m going with this?
These moments might not seem like a big deal, but truly, they hold a ton of power.
I remember when we started doing this with our oldest son. We came up with this idea of a “wins book” where we celebrated one positive interaction or event every day.
Sometimes it was something as simple as him opening a jar of peanut butter for his sister. But we made sure to notice and appreciate it.
This practice really opened our eyes to the sweet and loving side of our child, even during the tough moments. And as we kept focusing on these positive interactions, a genuine relationship started to blossom.
If you’re dealing with non-stop fights between family members (siblings, step parents, parents, grandparents, whatever the case), building these bonds becomes even more crucial. By actively creating positive interactions and acknowledging the little gestures between the involved parties, you can completely transform their dynamic and create a more peaceful environment.
So, remember, even if you have to manufacture some events, even if it feels forced in the beginning, this will contribute to building that connection and fostering positive relationships.
Understand
The understanding piece is all about taking the time to really pay attention and analyze what’s going on.
Forget the basic advice of just looking at what happened right before and after a behavior – it is just a super zoomed-in view. For instance, I might yell at Jason, and he asks, “Why are you upset with me?” And I’m like, “Oh, it’s not just about you. There were 20 things before this.”
So, instead, we unravel the whole incident like a behavior spiral, looking at it with a scientist’s eye.
We’re not just jumping to assumptions or labeling kids as rude, explosive, or mean – we’re zooming out and tracing back all the little incidents that led to the explosion.
It could be tiny stuff, like words exchanged, movements, or reactions, but they all add up. And guess what? We often find that there’s something deeper causing the outburst.
For example, a parent shared an incident where her daughter blew up at her seemingly out of nowhere. But when they looked back, they discovered that earlier in the day, the girl had a rough time when she felt criticized by a therapist.
So, when her mom said something similar later, it was incredibly triggering. Without the behavior spiral tool, they would never have uncovered the underlying cause.
And once we understand what’s really going on, we can come up with a plan to address the issues and avoid future blow-ups. It’s like being a detective – but with our own kids (and even our own feelings)!
Empower
This is seriously one of the best parts of our Calm the Chaos system.
Introducing… the huddle!
As I’ve already mentioned – it’s not like those dreaded family meetings where you only get called in when someone’s in trouble. Nope, huddles are a whole different deal.
They’re about having casual, meaningful, collaborative conversations that cover anything from brainstorming, problem-solving, to celebrating wins. You can even debrief when things go bad. It’s a team effort to find new plans for tricky situations.
And huddles are perfect for creating Ahead-of-the-Moment plans. Since they’re like blueprints for your family, helping you navigate challenges together, you can use the time to work together to create plans on what to do when:
- my brother takes my toys?
- mom is on a phone call?
- dad is sick?
- mom’s cooking and can’t help us?
- it’s time to get off electronics?
You can make these plans for big daily struggles, or even for small things. And guess what? As you practice these ahead-of-the-moment plans, your kids start tackling other problems from a brand new perspective, too.
Looking Forward
You’ll hear stories from our program members about their kids squashing arguments on the playground, saying things like, “Hold on, let’s find a solution together.” “What are your concerns?” “Any ideas?”
They defuse the situation and come up with a plan that works for everyone.
Teachers are blown away by the communication, problem-solving, and compassion skills these kids have developed.
The amazing thing about empowering your kids through huddles and Ahead-of-the-Moment plans is how it equips them with essential skills.
They won’t need to scream at you to express their needs or resort to melting down to show their unhappiness. No more hiding, lying, or sneaking around rooted in fear. Instead, they learn to communicate their needs, frustrations, and challenges.
Yes, even toddlers and young kids can find ways to convey their thoughts and have their needs met without everything turning into chaos.
That’s the beauty of the Calm the Chaos framework. It’s not just about behavior, it’s about teaching your kids how to navigate life. From communication to advocacy, problem-solving to empathy, it’s all there.
This is where the framework truly shines and brings your family closer together — a united, supportive, and joyful unit that spends quality time together, communicates openly, and advocates for one another.
Trust me, it’s not some unattainable dream. We’ve witnessed countless families embrace this Road Map and transform from simply surviving to truly thriving. You can do it too!
And I want you to remember…
You’ve got this!
Dayna
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Calm the Chaos Parenting is a podcast offering parents practical tools and strategies to navigate the challenges of raising strong-willed, highly sensitive, and neurodivergent children.
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