Inside: One question we hear all the time from parents is: “What do I do if my spouse isn’t on board?” We’re diving deep into finding common ground, aligning your approaches, and getting your partner on board for successful co-parenting… the Calm the Chaos way.
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Have you ever argued about parenting with your partner? (who hasn’t?!)
Do you sometimes (all the time?) feel like you’ll never get on the same page with them?
… And the stress spills into other areas of your life?
You’re definitely not alone!
To put it mildly… Parenting disagreements can be frustrating and put a strain on the strongest of relationships.
At Calm the Chaos, we’ve heard this common cry for help from countless parents who have joined our program or attended our workshops.
The burning question we get asked time and again is, “What do I do if my spouse isn’t on board?”
And we know the answer isn’t simple. Working through the reasons behind the struggle and coming up with a way to navigate past it is gunna be different for each family.
That’s why we’ve dedicated an entire TWO posts (and episodes) to tackle this topic.
In today’s part one post, we’re diving deep into finding common ground, aligning your approaches, and getting your partner fully on board with the Calm the Chaos way.
We’re also getting personal with our own parenting story — the ups, the downs, and everything in between.
You’ll get a sneak peek into Jason’s experience as a stepdad, his initial struggles in embracing the Calm the Chaos approach (long before we knew it had a name!), the moments when our family hit rock bottom, leading to a temporary split, and the hurdles we (and countless other parents) had to overcome before becoming a kick-ass parenting team.
Why are we sharing this?
Because we know that many of you are feeling stuck in the same boat, believing that you and your partner will never find common ground.
We’re living proof that there’s hope, and we’re here to guide you through the chaos… so you can start thriving in your parenting journey.
Cheesy as it sounds… Jason and I are finally at a place where we can enjoy ordinary Saturday nights with our three kids without the constant worry of another explosion, meltdown, fight, or any other form of chaos that we were all too familiar with not so long ago…
It’s not simple, it’s not easy, it takes a LOT of work… but it’s the truth – we’re finally living the life we always wanted for our family!
And I want to share everything I can with you so your family can get there, too.
(So, to help paint the complete picture, I’ll focus on our story in this post, and in the next one, I will reveal the 4-step Calm the Chaos framework to finding common ground and building a successful co-parenting journey.)
Parenting at Rock Bottom
Maybe it’s because I’m such a believer in transparency, maybe it’s that I’m so proud of how far we’ve come – maybe it’s a little bit of both… but either way, I’m gunna spill some juicy details for you.
At the beginning of our parenting journey, Jason and I weren’t on the same page. Actually, we faced our fair share of challenges.
If you listen to the full episode (or watch it on YouTube), you’ll get to hear about Jason’s experience as a stepdad and how he struggled at first to embrace the Calm the Chaos approach. We had lots of disagreements, worries, and big fears about where our parenting adventure was headed.
I mentioned this in earlier blogs, but there was even a point when things hit rock bottom.
We reached a breaking point, and for two weeks, our family was split. I took the boys and stayed in a hotel while Jason sought refuge with our daughter at his parents’ place.
I honestly thought we were on the brink of divorce.
I mean… I asked Jason, “Are you in or are you out?” and he responded, “Then I guess I’m out,” walking away with our daughter. So you can’t blame me for thinking that it was over!
But I have realized since then that my perception was colored by my history (trauma) of being left in the past. I was caught up in my old beliefs in thinking I wasn’t good enough, that all roads lead to abandonment, and that I was destined to fend for myself.
On the other hand, Jason wasn’t catastrophizing. He simply saw the break as an opportunity to get some breathing space from the constant chaos that consumed us.
This little snapshot paints a clear picture of just how terrible our communication was. It was the culmination of a series of issues that had been brewing for some time.
Not only were we clashing over parenting decisions, but we also found ourselves at odds on a ton of unrelated issues, unable to connect or convey anything clearly… all thanks to the chaos of raising our kids.
Lack of Communication
Our youngest daughter was just two years old, always on the move. Meanwhile, our oldest reached a point where his meltdowns lasted for three to five hours every single day. (And he was sleeping a solid 12 hours a day – yeah, you do the math!)
We tried everything under the sun, as you probably know by now. But when those meltdowns hit, we were on opposite ends of the spectrum, unable to find common ground. Jason had one plan in mind, while I had a different approach altogether.
It was maddening – for everyone!
Sometimes, our disagreements escalated into full-blown fights right in front of our kids. But we were all spiraling… we were exhausted, lost, angry, and had no clue how to navigate through it all.
To be fair, we didn’t fight in front of the kids all that often. More often than not, we’d say, “We’ll talk about it later,” but later rarely came around. We were caught up in the whirlwind of life, with no time to address our issues.
So it all built up – the confusion, resentment, anger, bitterness… and the disconnect grew.
I truly believe that our lack of communication hindered our understanding of just how bad the situation had become.
Naturally, if you don’t have a good strategy to communicate, align, and find common ground with your partner, it’s going to be very difficult to survive the various challenges that come with being parents, married couple, or long-term partners.
“I Was Raised That Way”
Now, let me tell you, we’ve come a long way since then, fighting hard for our family.
So, if you’re stuck in a similar situation, feeling like you and your partner are never going to see eye to eye, we want you to know that there’s hope. Trust me, we’ve been there, and you need to know that you’re not alone and that there’s a way to navigate through the chaos.
Here’s the thing we’ve discovered on our Calm the Chaos journey: one of the biggest challenges for couples is bridging the gap between different parenting approaches.
Usually, we see one parent who’s eager to shift into a more empowering and calming approach, while the other parent often feels one of two ways:
- Either it’s “I was raised this way, and look at me, I turned out just fine.”
- Or it’s “I was raised this way, and I don’t want my kids to go through what I did” (because I fought tooth and nail against it).
And what happens with the second approach is… even though they want to change and their intentions are good, it still ends up looking like the same old traditional parenting because many parents are fed this lie that parenting is supposed to be instinctual.
They boldly claim they don’t need anyone else telling them how to raise their kids because they are “the best parent for their kid”.
And you know what? I believe that. You are the best parent for your kid.
But it’s also okay to get some help to build the kind of life and relationships you want, learning from people who have walked that path before you and found a newer, better way.
You wouldn’t follow any other (dangerously) outdated ideas or guidelines – like exercise, diet, or personal hygiene… Why on earth would we want to parent like they did a hundred (or more) years ago??
We know so much more now about child development, emotional intelligence, neurodivergence, connection, communication, and brain development. And when we know better, we should do better.
And let me tell you – the old ways of parenting simply don’t cut it, regardless of whether you come from a background of having “turned out just fine” or having experienced challenges and wanting something completely opposite for your children.
We All Want What’s Best for Our Kids
I had a mom on a call the other day. Before the call, she mentioned that she and her husband don’t see eye to eye. He tends to lose his cool with the kids, jumping in and yelling at them, while she wants to do things differently.
Now, I thought she was going to say he was raised with traditional parenting methods. But no, she surprised me.
She said he grew up with absent parents and had to battle addiction and find a way on his own. Apparently, he doesn’t want his own kids to go through that, so he takes charge to shield them from the pain.
His intentions come from a place of love, but his fears are driving him to attempt to control their behavior.
I shared this story to show you that even these parenting behaviors, no matter how they manifest, almost always start with good intentions. Every parenting decision we make, I truly believe, comes from a deep desire to do what’s best for our kids.
It will be helpful if you can keep this in mind when you find yourself at odds with your parenting partner. It can actually serve as a beautiful starting point for initiating a conversation about how you can move forward together in raising your children.
When Just One Parent Becomes a Researcher
Another challenge we often come across (which is kind of a side effect of the previous one), is when one parent takes on the role of the researcher, constantly seeking and sharing information.
In our case, I was the researcher, diving deep into therapy sessions and various topics. I remember feeling frustrated because I knew Jason had a deep-diving personality. But during our toughest moments, he was investing that energy into learning things like how to build a turtle tank (!) for a turtle he didn’t even like.
I couldn’t help but ask, why not put that same effort into understanding and learning about our own kid… the one he didn’t seem to click with.
Now, don’t get me wrong — I was appreciative of Jason’s love for that turtle and his desire to provide it with the best possible place to live.
But what about our child? Wasn’t it important to approach their upbringing with the same level of care and attention?!
This was just one of the misunderstandings we had. There were countless occasions where, out of frustration, I’d blurt out those phrases that so many parents use. You know the ones…
- “That’s not how we do things in our family!”
- “No timeouts, no yelling.”
- “We don’t do that!”
But the funny thing is, we had never even discussed what we did or didn’t do as parents.
Then Jason would question it, like, “Wait a minute, why don’t we do timeouts? Where did that come from?”
And the truth is, that was a fair question. Because it came from my extensive research, which I had conveniently dumped on him, expecting him to follow suit, no questions asked.
Again, when one person puts themselves in charge of other people, regardless of age, and doles out directions without a discussion, expecting compliance… It shouldn’t be surprising when it doesn’t work out.
We witness this scenario all the time, and it often leads to resentment brewing between parents, impacting and damaging the very foundation of their relationship.
(Psst – the same damage happens with your relationships with your kids when they aren’t empowered to have a voice!)
A Huddle Attempt
I’ll never forget the first time I attempted a huddle with Jason. (We discussed huddles in one of our previous posts – those collaborative conversations where you tackle problems together, brainstorming as a team.)
In my mind, I can still see Jason sitting across from me at the table, donning a purple hoodie that was fully zipped up, with only the tip of his nose peeking out.
It was during that crucial discussion when I was trying to create a family plan that he immediately shut down, responding with a simple “yep” and “nope.”
That’s where we found ourselves at that moment, facing a communication gridlock.
So, now you’ve got a pretty good idea of the place we used to be in. (If you want more details, make sure to check out the full podcast episode on YouTube.)
And I bet many of you are in a similar spot right now.
But don’t give up — there’s a way through this. And we’ve got a solid plan to get to the other side.
In my next blog post, I’ll break down the four steps on how to get your partner on board.
It’s a proven and successful parenting method that will take you from surviving to thriving.
(You can check out the full episode on YouTube as well.)
And remember, until next time, there’s one crucial thing to keep in mind:
You’ve got this!
Dayna
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Calm the Chaos Parenting is a podcast offering parents practical tools and strategies to navigate the challenges of raising strong-willed, highly sensitive, and neurodivergent children.
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